so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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