She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
