I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
