New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
