You just made me feel so damn special
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Of course I have a pirate flag
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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