at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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