My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
