Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Randomize
