Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
