I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
