i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize