This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
