and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
