4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
