It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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