Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
