woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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