dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
false alarm, still single
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