seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
