I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
