I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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