I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My vagina just recognized that song.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
