oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
