I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
