that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
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