is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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