I think I won the penis lottery.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
