Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I fill condoms, not promises.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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