So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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