I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
God I need to hump something, right now.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
