Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish my penis had an off switch
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
