I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Will exercising make me less horny?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
