Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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