I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
