What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
