Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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