Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
