Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
