JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
