i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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