Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
