Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
