the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
