if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize