Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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