if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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