I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
