i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
