I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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