just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
