He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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