A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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