What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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