I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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