Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
