Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
