I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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