I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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