You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
