Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
