so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
