Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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