Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
